Monday, 7:02 AM
Dear Journal,
Today I woke up feeling like a champion. I told myself, "Emeka, this is YOUR week. You are going to be productive, disciplined, and unstoppable."
I then proceeded to hit snooze seven times and woke up at 9:47 AM.
Productivity: 0. Confidence: Still somehow 10/10.
Monday, 2:15 PM
Decided to start meal prepping because I saw a TikTok that said successful people plan their meals. I Googled "easy recipes for beginners."
The first recipe said, "Simple! Only 5 ingredients!"
The five ingredients: saffron, truffle oil, high-grade tahini, high-altitude Himalayan salt, and "love."
I made instant noodles.
Tuesday, 8:00 AM
Woke up early! Actual progress! Put on gym clothes and everything. Looked at myself in the mirror and said, "You're a beast, Emeka."
Then I sat on the bed to "tie my shoes" and woke up two hours later, still in gym clothes, one shoe on, drooling on my pillow.
The gym clothes count as effort. I'm counting this as a win.
Tuesday, 6:30 PM
My neighbor, Mrs. Adaobi, knocked on my door and asked if I could help her "move something small." Journal, I want you to know — the "something small" was a FULL-SIZE REFRIGERATOR. Up THREE flights of stairs.
I now understand what childbirth feels like.
She gave me one banana as payment. ONE. BANANA.
I ate it. It was delicious. I have no dignity left.
Wednesday, 10:00 AM
Tried to impress my coworkers by making coffee for the whole office. I have never used the office coffee machine before. How hard could it be?
Very hard, Journal. Very hard.
I somehow made it explode. Not metaphorically. There was coffee on the CEILING. My boss looked at me like I had committed a war crime. Tunde from accounting laughed so hard he choked on his chin-chin.
I am now banned from the kitchen. There is a SIGN. With my NAME on it.
Wednesday, 9:00 PM
Decided to finally text my crush, Amara. Spent 45 minutes crafting the perfect message:
"Hey Amara! Hope you're having a great evening 😊"
She replied: "Who is this?"
Journal, she HAS my number. We spoke LAST WEEK. I am going to lie down on the floor now.
Thursday, 7:30 AM
Motivational podcasts say you should "embrace failure," so I am basically the most enlightened man alive at this point.
Went to the market to buy tomatoes. The tomato woman said, "Fine boy, come and buy!" I was flattered. I smiled. I walked over with confidence.
I tripped over a crate of eggs.
There were so many broken eggs, Journal. The egg seller started screaming. A crowd gathered. Someone was RECORDING. I paid ₦3,500 for eggs I did not want, covered in yolk, while a goat watched me with what I can only describe as judgment.
Thursday, 8:00 PM
The video of me falling into the eggs is now in my office WhatsApp group.
Tunde from accounting shared it.
I will never forgive Tunde from accounting.
Friday, 12:00 PM
Something AMAZING happened. Amara texted me!
"Omg I just saw a video of a guy falling into eggs at the market 😂😂😂 SO FUNNY"
She doesn't know it's me. I replied: "Haha wow what a clumsy guy 😅"
We've been chatting for two hours. The eggs were a SACRIFICE and they have been REWARDED.
I am a genius. A yolk-covered genius.
Saturday, 3:00 PM
Mrs. Adaobi knocked again. She said she needs help moving "one small thing."
I looked her in the eye. She looked me in the eye.
I pretended I wasn't home. I was standing RIGHT THERE. She SAW me through the window. We both knew what was happening.
She knocked again.
I turned off the lights and lay on the floor like a soldier avoiding enemy fire.
She left.
I have survived.
Sunday, 11:00 PM
Journal, what a week. I have:
- ☐ NOT gone to the gym
- ☑ Exploded a coffee machine
- ☑ Been rejected and un-rejected by the same woman
- ☑ Become an egg meme
- ☑ Successfully hidden from an elderly woman
And yet, I feel ALIVE.
Tomorrow is a new week. A new beginning. A new Emeka.
I will set my alarm for 6 AM.
I will hit snooze only five times.
Growth. 📈
Goodnight, Journal. If Tunde shares that video one more time, I'm putting sugar in his fuel tank.
— Emeka "The Legend" Okonkwo
~ THE END ~